sunday, july 7
saturday, june 29
visited my favorite teacher from high school today. every year he sets up a fireworks stand to make money for the wrestling team at my good old h.s. i told him about my long-term idea of getting a ph.d., and i think i have his approval. it's funny how much it means to me. it means far more than any approval my parents might give, which will always be grudging and fearful, because my parents are grudging and fearful people. bless them for they have had a hard life as immigrants (although we have always been middle-class immigrants), but they just don't have the stomach for the rough-and-tumble of life in america. i want a ph.d. so i can expand my mind and my soul, and die a better person. they hope that i can get a government job so i can have a comfortable life. confucius said (and this is true, it's in the Analects), it's best neither to be the first nor the last, and that's what my parents are about. keep your head down. live a comfortable life, and don't make waves. i don't think they realized when it all began that starting a family in america would mean that their kids would be american, have american values, perceptions, and aspirations (although, what else would you expect? i often ask that myself), but that's what happened. that's what i am. i am fundamentally different from my parents; we're forged from different molds. and so i've had to find my own parenting. it's a lonely road.
thursday, may 23
how to decide what to do in life? i am at a point right now where i could conceivably shift paths onto any of many different careers:but you know what i have learned? it's that the best purpose to pick for your life is the one about which you have the neurosis. there's no point in attempting to be healthy about it, or attempting to solve the neurosis in any other way-- psychotherapy, for example. there is something in all our lives that bothers us, and the only way to work it off, the only way to settle things, to make ourselves happy, is to sweat it off, to grind it down, to worry and strive and whittle (as opposed to, say, maintaining a zen-like calm) because worrying and striving and whittling is hard-wired into our brains. there was something on npr just today about this, only they called it tending, as in the tending instinct.
friday, may 17
last year i had an experience that has been like a scourge to my soul. it has taken away much of my self-hatred and replaced it with a better understanding of love. but i am learning that it has not solved everything. it has not solved the below.
update: personals guy has fallen off the face of the planet. i emailed him last tuesday and haven't heard a peep since. oh well. on to more pressing matters.
friday, may 10
sort of strange the situations we find ourselves in (sorry, by the way, for not blogging in ever-so-long. don't know what's gotten into me, or out-of). i've been corresponding with someone off the personals ads run by spring street networks. i access it through nerve.com, he does through salon. i am trying not to make a big deal out of it. but i'm impatient to get his e-mails. it's like a chess game... he advances information about himself, i respond in return. i take a risk by mentioning something i like, then he takes a risk. but we're not playing in person, like dating. we're playing chess by mail-- correspondence by e-mail. why? he currently lives on the east coast and won't move to l.a. until july. so, here we are.
friday, april 19
my psychiatrist is not a happy guy. how do i know this? well, his office is immaculate, yet contains some exceedingly ugly items: two smooth blue zoloft marketing items (one a hideous clock) that attempt to be sexy, yet scientific-looking at the same time. a small wishing-well planter made of beveled mirrors that looks conceived and assembled by a five-year-old. several diplomas framed in matching, bargain-basement brand gold frames. the diplomas represent at least six figures' worth of education, yet the frames can't have cost more than $6 each. what kind of mind willingly displays this sort of dreck? and it's all lined up with millimeter-precision, with the rest of the office left perfectly, immaculately bare.
tuesday, april 16
why is it that a hiring company can drag its feet, drop the ball, and be as uncommunicative as it wants while you're applying for the job, and fire you should you do the same once you get hired?
saturday, april 13
friday, april 12
just saw ben affleck on the tonight show. i suppose he is post-rehab now. and he looks like a different person. he isn't a cocky young ingenue anymore. he's looking humble, as if he's known chagrin and known consternation, seen his own mortality. good boy good for him.
monday, april 1
viva nerd humor!
people should be wary writing to the net. they should be aware that ideas and views are amplified by simple virtue of being in print, and ponder their shortcomings and insecurities accordingly, so they do not appear ugly when publishing to the web.