innocent bystander- a weblog

no new posts? i'm probably at bad samaritan. look for Jean.

Sunday, September 28

11:46 PM now, everyone can know...

YOU ARE MARRIED TO A WoODCHUCK!!!

what's YOUR deepest secret?
brought to you by Quizilla

Monday, August 25

2:00 AM hey ho, i'm still here. to whoever's listening.

been running around like a chicken with my head cut off lately, so when i stepped out of the house for a moment tonight, i thought i'd make a wish on the first star i saw. i looked up and it was huge, so big it wasn't even twinkling. technically that means it was a planet. that is fine; i made my wish anyways. and then i thought, really thought about these little twinkling points that are the sun-bathed or combusting and enormous astral objects located light-years, or hundreds of light-years, or millions of light-years away from us, from myself, as i stood on my parents' lawn a few hours ago. stars and planets and moons and galaxies that were named millenia ago by arabs and greeks. objects so old that they might not exist anymore except for the light that their chemical reactions created once-upon-a-time. just now reaching my eyes. knowing all this, can you blame me for caring less, perhaps, than people would like me to, about the day's petty problems? over the long run, everything is just so beautiful and glorious. things only look ugly if you project ugliness onto them.

Monday, July 21

9:32 PM

Love Letter

confused. too many options. saw an old co-worker this weekend; an old co-worker with an old crush on me. wow, he could get in line with the other ex-coworkers who've crushed on me, and are still crushing on me now, making a certain part of my life delicate territory, like a valley full of landmines. it was a party weekend for him; i was down in san diego for the day and he'd been there half the week, hotel room and everything. he was looking for some fun and pretty much made that clear. but i don't believe that sex can ever be casual. you can only fool yourself that it is.

the weekend may be over now, but that just means that, now, he is in santa monica and i am in santa monica, and i know that if i just gave him a call, we might be able to get something going. he's a good guy. he'd care for any girlfriend of his with his whole heart, i know that. but.

...but don't all the guys have buts? they'd all be perfect, but... for one, the dogged social climbing... for the other, the snotty rich friends... for another, the apathy and hidden insecurity i can't get past... and in this one's case, the conviction that the world splits into black and white. not races, but "us" and "them", rebels and the establishment, fringe culture and the normals. of course he is on the fringe side. i used to be, too. i used to worship before the altar of the counter-culture. and he's somehow scented my former life and is chasing after it, chasing after a shadow of a phantom of a memory of mine. i'm not really that person anymore. he still is, and he's looking for himself in me. back when we worked together, the more i edged away from his interest the more, i think, he became convinced that the inexplicable that he couldn't understand about me (that i wasn't like him!) would be really fantastic once he got hold of it. he doesn't understand me. i'm not the rebel anymore. i'm not the nice girl. i'm rarely what anyone who doesn't know me thinks i am. this doesn't bother me. i'm happy to just exist; i'm living outside the borders and the labels, and he-- he needs to know that he needs to give up his borders and labels. i'd much rather meet him out where we can be free.

Wednesday, July 16

1:19 AM had my 10 year high school reunion this weekend. it's wierd. it's reunited me with an old friend, but i'm realizing that i don't really want her in my life. i didn't realize then what it was about her that made her so impressive to me. she was the only friend i had in the "popular" crowd, which right off the bat put a halo on her to me. but it wasn't just that; she had a way of drawing you in. you might feel that you had some really strong connection with her, that you were really important to her. but i saw her monday night and now i realize what that was. she was and is codependent.

beverly engel, an MFCC, wrote this regarding codependency:

"The irony is that as much as a "codependent" feels responsibility for others and takes care of others, she believes deep down that other people are responsible for her. She blames others for her unhappiness and problems, and feels that it's other people's fault that she's unhappy. Another irony is that while she feels controlled by people and events, she herself is overly controlling. She is afraid of allowing other people to be who they are and of allowing events to happen naturally. An expert in knowing best how things should turn out and how people should behave, the codependent person tries to control others through threats, coercion, advice giving, helplessness, guilt, manipulation, or domination."

and my friend, she is good, very good at what she does. you hardly see it coming. you barely feel a thing as she starts to work her little game. but now, i can see in her eyes the animal cunning that is convinced that this is what she needs to do in order to survive. it is, really, a little scary. she is completely morally compromised. talking to her, i heard her saying that she was trapped by what other people were doing. that she had no control over her life. that people, even her fiance, were doing terrible things to her, but there was no option of distancing or detaching herself from those people.

well, gone are the days when i took charity cases as friends. it's sad to see now just how off her world-view is. her life is about licking her wounds and making sure that she gets new cuts. what will i do? i've already given her my e-mail.

Friday, July 11

9:02 PM i took a quiz: My Music Personality

rice bowl journals

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