innocent bystander //a weblog

Saturday, December 03, 2005

9:52 PM: Old Wounds

the memory of being under siege while at school is strong. in high school i could not take any class to please my parents. every class i took displeased them. college was same. now i am in school from my own free will. but unconsciously habits come back to me. i think, "at the end i will get something." i'll finally prove my parents wrong. they'll finally like me. they never did, and they never will.

my co-worker, an unofficial mommy, told me that my path was not meant to be like other people's and i should not worry that i am back in school. when i am not careful, i forget. i am not studying to put the study and the violation of my parents' demands behind me. i am not studying so that when i finish i can pretend that i never did. i am studying because this is what i do. i did this. i chose this. i have free will.