innocent bystander //a weblog

Detail of original by glockgal.  Click on image to see her work!

Thursday, December 25, 2003

7:29 PM: Half-Baked

christmas is often a half-baked holiday around the house, since we're not actually christian and my parents don't actually like their relatives. much. so i watched o brother, where art thou, and it was very good. i also finished knitting the ugly green scarf of yuck (31 stitches wide on size 15 needles, done in a half-twist stitch of some kind), and have just started knitting a snowy white scarf, 12 stitches wide on the same needles, in double seed stitch, which is also a new stitch for me. yay! and i spent too much time for my comfort thinking about that guy at work. boo.

i got good gifts this morning: a beautiful, poster-sized lord of the rings calendar (viggo mortensen is the attraction); a miss manners book; a baggie of harry and david white-chocolate and macadamia toffee peanuts; and a pair of socks with flying pigs on them. i also have a $15 gift certificate to amazon, which is neat, but i think i'll end up spending the extra $10 to get the super saver shipping, because i can't bear to sink four dollars of anything into just a shipping and handling fee. that's probably exactly what they want us to think, though, i know.

oh yes, and it rained like the dickens ( ;^) ) all day today, at least by los angeles standards. the driveway is totally flooded now. not a single person was out on the street, and the neighbors's inflatable snowman made a sad sight all tipped over on his back. the wind chased the clouds so fast across the sky you would have had to jog to keep up with them. i hope this means that tomorrow is clear. but as it was, nobody had any inclination to go outside, so we were all stuck inside all day.

Sunday, December 21, 2003

12:38 AM: Jean Exposed

every once in a while i post rants wherein i calmly declaim upon the proper way to love and conduct a relationship. well, you will shortly see that it is all bunk. i'm as pathetic in love as any other poor sot, and i know what i'm doing and the slippery grade down which i'm sliding, but i can't- can't- can't-stop myself.

i am completely infatuated with this guy at work. i can't stand being near him; i can't stand being on the other side of the store from him; i'm jealous when he talks to anyone-- anyone! he's only barely right for me. my brother, who has bullet-proof radar for loonies, would roll his eyes if i ever brought this guy home, and yet!

even though he's just a year or two younger than me, i feel like i'm robbing the cradle whenever i stand next to him. he still looks like his mom dresses him. he hasn't finished college yet and seems to have fallen into some sort of semi-student limbo, where the years have passed but he hasn't had to get beyond that sheltered college mindset. he looks so young, so trusting-- and his mind floats in a fuzzy universe of esoteric technical information. you might understand if i tell you he was studying engineering. i don't know whether to throw him on a bed or give him a lolly. oh, the agony!!

i feel like a dirty old lech about all this. and yet sometimes he'll look right at me, without fear or worry or any bit of cynicism, and i feel like i could walk straight through his eyes. it's devastatingly compelling , a state of grace. i don't feel like there's a him or me, or maybe even a store or block or world, but what does that mean? what can it possibly mean? can it be possible he wouldn't look at anyone else this way? or does he just? does he just break sore, tired hearts like mine every day? i'm completely at a loss.

upon hearing this, my brother might just say, "oh, date him already; you know you want to." he's ever practical. i'm the one that goes running around and whacking into walls. i can feel myself picking up speed-- can i stop? should i stop? should i fear the impact at all?


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