innocent bystander //a weblog

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Saturday, October 25, 2003

4:10 AM: 

internal monologue...

how much do i dare?
my heart shudders
my gut flips
can i trust what i think i see,
or should i leave things be?
if i leave things uncertain and pray luck intervenes
how much would i forgive myself
if i gain nothing?

ok, just hit "send", just hit "send"...

Friday, October 24, 2003

1:08 AM: 

talking to my friend c- on the phone, i mentioned i was re-developing a crush on a guy i used to work with. since we see each other sometimes but have never hung out together outside of our group, my challenge was to be in singling him out and developing a relationship with him apart from that which we have with the others. i'm not the type to grab guys by the collar and drag them into my bedroom/lair; i move slow, and c- and i figured that even if nothing happened, this would be good for months of idle speculation and detailed behavioral analysis, at least. he's still waiting in the wings.

however, someone else is moving up in the ranks of (supposed) mutual interest, and this one is a guy with a striking resemblance to my ex-boyfriend. i just went to see a play with him tonight, although there was another person (female) there. i think he has a little interest in me, but i don't know if it's me exactly, or the fact that i'm a single female within his social circle. when he holds my gaze just a beat too long, the feeling is clinical more than chemical. so i'm thinking about him. i don't want him. but just as when a pal offers you a handful of sweetarts, you're tempted to take it just because it's there. and i'm always ready to have more sweetarts... or sweethearts.

still, i think i'd be doing myself a disservice. the revived crush is of higher quality. he's less assertive in the flirting arena-- less forward. but i think the flirting has been there. i still may have a chance. i think i just need to find a situation where we could date without either of us feeling like we're looking silly. we've known each other for so long. going to movies, going on a hike, or having dinner seem redundant. i feel like i'd just like to skip to the part where we hang out on the sofa all night and watch blockbuster rentals. we already know a lot about each other. i know i can trust him, and i know how he is in good times and bad. i know that he doesn't talk bad about his ex-girlfriends, even though he must have plenty of discussion material. mr. resembles-my-ex is unproven in these areas. and when a situation goes south, like when we got stuck in traffic today, he goes ahead and gets miffed. the other... never would have. he'd have taken his bad luck with good cheer. yes, the first must be better for me. but what to do?

and, my birthday is coming up next month. i always get some people together for dinner. the third person at the play tonight is invited by default. that means that mr. r.m.e. needs to be invited also, because he gave me a ride to the play. revived crush also defaults to an invitation in this case. what happens if they both show? also, yet another guy also defaults to an invitation, but he has openly liked me for years even though his current girlfriend acts as a force field between himself and the other people of planet earth. what if HE shows up? what if HE shows up with HER, the mysterious new girlfriend? that would seem too decadent, wouldn't it? to have three guys at various stages of consideration all in the same room, at the same table. it might be too odd for me to choke my dinner down.

12:52 AM: 

is sexy... is sexier.

the spring street personals ask you to fill in that phrase. usually you people put something that's a little witty but mostly mundane, like "making love is sexy; cuddling is sexier." yeah right. and doing it nasty is sexiest of all to you, you dog, you. i know what you're thinking. currently i'm testing out "silk is sexy; tweed is sexier," but then i thought i could do better, if only i stood no chance of having people contact me on the basis of what i might flippantly say is sexier than something else. so here are some fantasy entries:

sting is sexy; jimmy page is sexier.
josh beckett is sexy; javy lopez is sexier.
madonna is sexy (when not acting desperate around britney spears); uma thurman is sexier.
a new crush is sexy; an old crush is sexier.
draco malfoy is sexy (i make no apologies!); lucius malfoy is sexier.
lucius malfoy is sexy; jason isaacs is sexier. or so i tell myself....
myself on a monday is sexy; myself on a friday is sexier.

whew. i think that's all the sexy i've got in me.

Thursday, October 23, 2003

1:45 PM: 

ouch, emode doesn't play around!
jean, your romantic pattern is Mentor and the Protege Just as this romantic pattern overpowers you, you might wish to be overpowered by someone stronger, wiser, and more accomplished than yourself.
let's just keep this quiet, shhhh...

Tuesday, October 21, 2003

4:31 PM: 

y kant jean's family chill?

my sister hates me. she hates me in direct relation to how much she idolizes me. it's getting uncomfortable. every conversation with her is turning into a power struggle, with her trying to prove herself right, control what i do, control how i think and feel. she's manipulative. she is, well, basically, becoming an f-ing psycho. i had the misfortune of getting into a conversation with her about fabric stores. she said i couldn't go to joann's, because joann's is expensive. fine. joann's is not expensive. laura ashley... laura ashley is expensive. but i kept my mouth shut. she stated (in this flat, grating tone she often uses) that there is a two-dollar fabric store two cities to the east from us, and that that is where i should go. fine. i played along. i asked her about the cross streets, and learned that it was located in a strip mall. we moved on to other subjects. the conversation wound down, and i turned to leave. "THERE'S ALSO A STORE ON VALLEY BOULEVARD IN [city directly north of the other city with a cheapie fabric store]" blasted at the right side of my body. she has a real manly voice, and always has. i stopped and looked back at her. "what?" last i heard, we'd been talking about shoes. where the heck did that come from? and why was it so important for her to tell me that she had to shout it out without any sort of preamble, and then not actually say anything else about the new store. i had to prompt her: "do they have better stuff there?" "NO. (pause) IT'S AT THE CORNER OF-"

that's when i cut her off. these shenanigans have become very frequent in the last few months. she's been at it for years actually, but i had my own place for a while so she had no outlet (presumably). then i moved back in with my parents. she managed to contain herself for a few months, and then... le deluge.

i repeat: what is her problem?

Sunday, October 19, 2003

2:11 AM: 

you know how operating systems can have a kernel panic? i'm having a friend panic. i'm pretty sure the two aren't analogous, but i like the sound of it. friend panic. what happens when all your best single, female friends move away, and you're left with the following:
  • a friend that's ditched you for his new girlfriend.
  • a friend that's ditched you for her boyfriend/fiance.
  • a friend that's mostly unavailable on account of her boyfriend, but will occasionally meet you for a hurried meal. more often than not she'll be upset about something and won't discuss either her mood or the cause of her mood even if prompted, and yet will act pissy the whole evening. oh yeah, and she thinks she is the world's authority on all topics of conversation.
this is not counting the other friend that moved away, disappeared largely on account of having a new boyfriend (who, however, she swears she would never marry), and, in our last conversation, said that she looked forward to instant messaging me again sometime! <sarcasm>gee, i couldn't ask for much better, could i?</sarcasm> we're college friends, for pete's sake! somehow phone calls and letters aren't possible for her, even though she gets them from me.

wow, hey! a lot of my so-called friends are pretty shitty! but the rest are great, i swear. they answer my phone calls and letters, and they do it even when they're seeing someone. is that really so hard? or does everyone else i know really have their heads so far up their asses?

(to friend:) "hey, is that a smudge?"


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