bystander //a weblog
Saturday, May 17, 2003
dispatch from nether--
nothing will disturb my peace of mind. nothing disturbs my peace of mind.
Monday, May 12, 2003
"You don't want to allow for the possibility that maybe no crime was committed, that maybe it was just one of those things." (Salon.com)
this strikes a chord. for a long time i felt that my ex had committed a crime-- many crimes-- against me. i suppose there were a lot of wrongs floating about in our relationship, both mine and his. but i blamed him for every one of his wrongs, hated him for inflicting them on me, and hated and felt ashamed of myself for not having stood up and walked away from him the first time, nor the second time, nor the tenth, nor the twentieth time that they happened. i was so furious at everyone that it was a 12-month odyssey between entering the abyss, sinking to the bottom of it, and catapulting myself out of it in desperation. how could i not blame my ex for being the abyss into which i fell?
it was three years last month since our breakup. (come to think of it, it is also the three-year anniversary of this blog this month. very late at night on april 30th, to be exact.) it was only slowly, very slowly, that i came to an acceptable amount of closure over it. tonight i feel i can agree: maybe his behavior was just one of those things. that was just who he was. and i was just who i was. he was inexperienced, afraid to admit vulnerability, clueless as to how to handle such a close relationship. he had never been so close to his parents or his friends. he didn't have any siblings. so what practice did he have in preserving fairness, trust, or loyalty? what did he know of feelings or his own heart? nobody around him was about to teach him, and only some people are able to see these parts of themselves without help.
i was inexperienced, too. i didn't realize what my boundaries were, and was confused when my heart started feeling the punches-- the accumulation of petty betrayals, his latent aggressive and controlling impulses, the emotional distance. i swallowed all the wrong-headed wisdom that immigrant culture had to offer-- he was a catch because he had a good education, a good job, a good family. he wasn't gambling, or cheating on me, or hitting me (yet). so what did it matter, in that view, that he let his friends insult me? that he never changed behaviors that i told him i found controlling and smothering? that he faked physical illness whenever he felt i was ignoring him? (!) that he was an emotional shipwreck who let his father boss him around? i ignored all of this for months because i thought that i was seeing things that weren't there, or if they were there, that i was demanding too much from him and from the relationship. and finally, one day, my gut screamed and i knew that it was either dump him or marry him-- these were my two choices. it was a cloudy saturday morning. we'd argued the night before, so he was up early, worrying. i sat up in bed and told him that i was breaking up with him. i took a few personal items and told him i'd call to pick up the rest later. i told him i wasn't changing my mind when he begged me to stay, and i left his apartment in a daze. for a long time i hated him for it, for everything, for all sorts of things. i hated him. but it was just one of those things. i learned a lot about listening to my own heart that day, although at the time i'd thought i already knew so much. i just didn't know then how much there was left to learn-- about what's right and what's wrong between two people who care for each other, about not letting people in turmoil conduct their turmoil to me, about the things that fear could make him and me do.
i don't think i'll ever love another person the way i loved him: wrong-headedly and half-naively. it was a chapter in my life that i was pretty frightened to discover could have both a beginning and an end. but i've learned that the book goes on. new things keep getting written.
the strange courtship and break-up of jean and peter. it was just one of those things.
Sunday, May 11, 2003
I Am A: Chaotic Good Half-Elf Ranger Druid
Chaotic Good characters are independent types with a strong belief in the value of goodness. They have little use for governments and other forces of order, and will generally do their own things, without heed to such groups.
Half-Elves are a cross between a human and an elf. They are smaller, like their elven ancestors, but have a much shorter lifespan. They are sometimes looked down upon as half-breeds, but this is rare. They have both the curious drive of humans and the patience of elves.
Rangers are the defenders of nature and the elements. They are in tune with the Earth, and work to keep it safe and healthy.
Druids are a special variety of Cleric who serves the Earth, and can call upon the power in the earth to accomplish their goals. They tend to be somewhat fanatical about defending natural settings.
Solonor Thelandria is the Chaotic Good elven god of archery and the hunt. He is also known as the Keen Eye, the Great Archer, and the Forest Hunter. His followers respect nature, and only hunt when needed, but are quick to defend the forest from intruders. Their favorite weapon is the bow, and they tend to be extremely talented with it. Solonor Thelandria's symbol is an arrow with green fletchings.
Find out What D&D Character Are You?, courtesy ofNeppyMan (e-mail)
an sfgate ode to san francisco: The Great San Francisco Bubble / Life in America's last great progressive cocoon, as conservatives snicker and pule
i've never liked sf much myself. on the face of it, it doesn't make sense, because the air there is cleaner than l.a., the architecture better, public transportation nice, politics more liberal. but l.a. has such nice things; i don't think there's a fred segal up there, there's nothing on the caliber of the l.a. philharmonic, the l.a. opera, the getty, the l.a. county museum of art, etc. you don't get to ogle movie premieres. there's no surfing and skiing within two hours of each other. there's no sunset strip for when you're feeling shallow.
This is my blogchalk:
United States, California, Alhambra, English, Chinese, Jean, Female, 26-30,
current events, books, music, movies, technology, being a g.d. mac user.