innocent bystander //a weblog

Monday, October 28, 2002

8:45 PM:

i wonder if i'm getting depressed. is it the start of fall? is it the time change? was it the hectic weekend in las vegas? or is it the one-year anniversary of my three days in the loony bin? that all was very traumatic. and even now, i wouldn't watch, say, one flew over the cuckoo's nest, or a beautiful mind. i even close my eyes when bilbo does that demon-face thing in lord of the rings. it's just too painful. sigh. a year, and, if i'm really harsh on myself (which i usually am), i could say that i've been spinning my wheels the whole time. i don't have a real job, i haven't made much of a dent in my credit card debt (although i think the hospital has stopped pestering me to pay for their emergency services. is this too optimistic of me?), and i fear i may be in trouble at work. but what's the worst that could happen, i suppose? i could go into bankruptcy, be forced to get a new temp job. i suppose i'd have to tell my family. that part would suck the most. but they'd get over the fact that their oldest daughter, previously so successful, has turned into a spectacular underachiever, i think. i think so.