innocent bystander //a weblog

Detail of original by glockgal.  Click on image to see her work!

Friday, May 17, 2002

1:34 AM: 

last year i had an experience that has been like a scourge to my soul. it has taken away much of my self-hatred and replaced it with a better understanding of love. but i am learning that it has not solved everything. it has not solved the below.

1:14 AM: 

update: personals guy has fallen off the face of the planet. i emailed him last tuesday and haven't heard a peep since. oh well. on to more pressing matters.

i screwed up. i didn't pay a traffic ticket in time and now i'm faced with a bail amount four (count 'em, FOUR) times larger, and a suspended driving license. i hadn't really thought about it, but honestly, i thought they'd just slap me with a hundred dollar fine or something. i'm seriously freaked out. i had to take two days off work because i can't drive.

why did i do this to myself? i don't understand. i used to be more responsible. although, i was never as responsible as i think i could have been, not like one of those people that never pays a bill late, never steps over a line or colors outside a box. oops, i sound a little resentful there of the people that i'm supposed to look up to. in my experience, obeisance has always been something shoved down my throat, arbitrarily, by people of dubious moral and ethical standing. I HATE THEM!! I HATE THEM ALL!!! deep down inside, that is how i feel. i have a problem with authority. there. i said it. behind every time i've been late to work, or missed a deadline, or held up a meeting because i had not managed my time correctly, was my stewing, roilling, festering, green hatred of authority. of constriction. of forced conformity. and now... now i don't know what to do. because all of this hurts only me.


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Image detail of original by glockgal