innocent bystander //a weblog

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Saturday, August 25, 2001

1:22 AM: 

do you know, some of my friends get really uncomfortable whenever i buy new clothes. i get sad, because i'm really just excited that i have new things, and i don't brag or anything, i just say, "look at this new shirt i got from [wherever]. isn't it cool." because i really do think it's cool. and if it's got great cut and it's a great color, shouldn't i just be able to say so?

so let me say first before i start ranting that i really will try to spare their feelings in the future. i hadn't done what i'd done with any intention of upsetting them. and it upsets me that they feel threatened by it; i don't think they should. but somehow i think i'm the one that's supposed to change here, so i will. wish i knew the tautology of it now, though.

so these... friends... really take it as a threat to them, that i shop at four clothing stores practically exclusively, and what can i say? they have good clothes. the clothes are in the $35 to $120 price range, i'd say. and my friends try to hide it, but they feel inferior that they don't shop at places that are as expensive. it frustrates me. if they secretly envy that i always shop at j. crew/banana republic/bennetton/armani exchange, then why don't they do something about it themselves, instead of getting mad at me because i'm simply doing what they wish they could do but can't? they deny this, of course. outwardly, they're all target/ross/marshall's believers, and do even sometimes throw me the sneer because i paid full price for something. but i know it's all about their insecurity. since they want my clothes so bad, couldn't they just try saving up some money and freaking shopping where i shop? or else make peace with themselves and the fact that, for now, they've got to shop at cut-rate stores for whatever reason (budget or EGO), and i don't look down on them for it, but one does have to expect that my clothes will have a much better chance of looking good on me than theirs will on them. sheesh.

incidentally, this is also why i never compliment them on what they're wearing. it simply never looks good! but again, look good, save money, do whatever you have to, but don't be a neurotic about it. i wish they would stop being neurotics about it. i'm not a neurotic... i'll shop at the nice places as long as i have the budget for it, and when i don't anymore, i buy all their stuff on sale, instead of at full price, or i'll freaking downgrade my shopping. i really don't care.

12:48 AM: 

so, if friend 1 (who's christian) tells friend 2 (who's also christian) that he's just visited a strip club for the first time, and she passes judgement on him for it, was he just asking for it, or what???

Friday, August 24, 2001

1:16 AM: 

and... that so-called friend of mine... she's the one that harasses me when i buy at retail, who laughed at me when i told her i'd cut myself (and badly) with my razor. she put scratch marks on my mother's wedding cutlery. she makes fun of the condiments i use when i cook. she snaps at me and snipes at me, and why the hell do i hang out with her? we were never such good friends anyways, and suddenly i see her all the time, and all this time i thought even friends gained through tenuous links could have a good time as long as they remained civil toward each other. fuck.

i think she dropped her part of the bargain a long time ago.

it was all because my other friend told me to "take care of her" while this wretch broke up with her boyfriend. well fine! done! she's moved out now, and i am not taking charity cases again.

1:07 AM: 

wtf? the newest neighbor in my apartment complex, a surfer dude younger than me, just did a fast march into his apartment with his girlfriend as i was checking my mail. maybe he doesn't know that everyone in the complex says hello and goodbye to each other. guess he wouldn't bother to find out, especially if he was rushing to get laid.

Thursday, August 23, 2001

5:42 PM: 

hostile, i feel really quite hostile. especially to the dumb career counseling service i got in my severance package, which did nothing for me but did convince me to waste my time and fritter away a month working on their little assignments when they weren't knowledgeable about the material anyways.

thank god i found out.

5:35 PM: 

am i a horrible person? am i a festering wart on the face of humanity? one of my friends said so last night. i suppose she has some point... i was in a bad mood and maybe gave off too much information about some of my other friends in too careless a way. but am i a mound of pus? am i a stinking pit of blackness? should she "maybe not hang out with" me? have i corrupted and defiled her with my filthy ways, staining her forever, gnawing off her morality like a dog to the knuckle of a bone? am i awful/hideous/awful/hideous/awful? please god, let me know. thanks.


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