innocent bystander //a weblog

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Saturday, June 16, 2001

11:22 PM: 

plus jude law seems to have a fondness for science fiction films, and... sigh.

do you know, when nelson mandela was imprisoned, he and the other political prisoners became intensely interested in the cultivation of their vegetable garden. because of unemployment, i now know why.

11:15 PM: 

you know what the other wierd thing is? i have run most all the errands i've been meaning to run for months, now. and you know what? it doesn't make a difference. getting them done doesn't make a huge difference at all. and all this time i'd been getting down on myself because i could never run enough errands, or the right ones, because sometimes i wasn't in the mood to do them... turns out, it doesn't really matter.

my new poster boy is jude law. i just watched him in eXistenZ. mmmm hm!

11:11 PM: 

things you learn when unemployed:

  1. when there is nothing to do each day, each day seems the same. as a result the days seem to go much faster or much slower, depending on your mood.
  2. if you don't see anyone all day, you will make odd faces into the mirror
  3. do not take naps in the middle of the day
  4. do not stay up until 4 a.m. each day
  5. do not wake up at 2 p.m. each day
  6. it is no good to listen to NPR for the entire day
  7. it is also no good to listen to KPFK for the entire day
  8. do not listen to music, either, the entire day
  9. you must remember to eat well
  10. you must remember to set goals for yourself
  11. unemployment is only interesting for the first two days.
  12. last-minute plane tickets are very expensive
  13. you will become lonely and tempted to commit to dates with people you don't want to date. then you will have to find reasons to cancel on them
  14. remember to speak to someone each day. yourself doesn't count. your stuffed animals don't count. the tv and radio don't count. posting on slashdot counts, but only for half points. instant messaging counts, but you will come to feel it is unfulfilling.
  15. unemployment sucks.
  16. employment sucks.

Friday, June 15, 2001

3:59 PM: 

I, like so many victims of typically arid American upbringings, was addicted to the rush of adrenaline that love and praise, however insincere and deluded, can bring.*

Thursday, June 14, 2001

6:15 PM: 

sigh. i have a date saturday night. rats.

1:46 AM: 

well... i feel terrible right now. morose. dejected. but there's something good in all this. i've realized that i'm not feeling these things for any reason like my job was my life and so when i got laid off people had taken My Life away from me. that is good. i think i'm feeling like this really because i would like to be useful, purposeful. and without a job i feel like i'm not, and i'm less of a person for it. this i need to work on.

Wednesday, June 13, 2001

12:53 AM: 

i do not have the genetic wherewithal to take a vacation. not if i have nothing to look forward to at the end. i am unemployed. god help me.

12:49 AM: 

okay. so. here come two rants that shouldn't mean anything to anyone except me. i apologize. if either mean anything to any of you, feel free to write, as i'd be interested to know what you got out of them. link is on the right...

so sometimes this just happens and it's not anybody's fault, but somehow you get to a point where you feel that nobody hears you. that nobody has heard you for a while. and all those things that you had wanted to say but had no one to say to are radioactively decaying inside of you, poisoning you while crumbling away. the sharp edges of those emotions blurring away, and a featureless, unidentifiable and even toxic mass remaining.

it seems there is a hidden human transport which people are unaware of. is there any explanation yet of the means by which some people sink down from secure places in society to poverty, ostracization, and despair, and others percolate from those circumstances up to normalcy, security, success? i would bet that systematic destruction of individuals' reality by others, no matter the level at which it occurs, is one of the main downward catalysts. what then is an upward catalyst? faith? hope? love?

Tuesday, June 12, 2001

2:31 AM: 

i feel totally betrayed. all i try to do is give kindness to people, and all i get back from them is selfishness. guys. can a man not be an adult and return generosity with the same, instead of exploiting it and using the opening to fish around for a date, a phone number, or a furtive squeeze of the shoulder? apparently not. should i simply feel myself lucky that i don't move in circles where touching around the shoulder is replaced by touching somewhere more private? i had spent all my life at the nth level of defensiveness, an impenetrable wall up at all times. i have tried to live without it these last months. it has not worked. the world does not deserve me.

Monday, June 11, 2001

10:47 PM: 

interesting... i have gotten a few hits from people who searched for "june gloom". whatsa matter folks? clouds got you down? yeah. me too.

well i guess at least it means that google indexes very quickly.

10:21 PM: 

argh, talk about too dumb to run... a certain someone has been chasing after me forever, and i, merely trying to be a friend, went to a gig of his on friday. so he comes off the stage and tries to shine all his rock star glow on me. i keep a level head. but somewhere over the weekend the nagging worry of having been forcibly relieved of my job (see main blog) and losing all that... that... job-satisfaction... stuff... made me weak and i started thinking what-ifs. and now he asks me if i'm doing anything this weekend and i say no! why did i say no! what if randy jean takes over and then maybe i'll face the dread situation, the terror of which has kept me from going out with him all this time (other than that we worked together... bullocks to that, i don't care), the predicament of waking up in the morning and realizing that i have done the do with j——— z———?

2:54 PM: 

the entire royal family of nepal is dead, the new king and the royal guard can't agree on how they died, and the l.a. times plays down the possibility of a conspiracy in every article it's published on the subject. can we not bring ourselves to care about truth, whatever the truth may be?


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