Sunday, April 15, 2001
oh wonderful day!!! one of my friends is about to break up with her boyfriend. everything is going to be so much better now.
so there is this guy who is just like my ex-boyfriend. something like a twin, a shadow, a cosmic totem or idol that's flown my way and now flutters in my face like a confused butterfly i think of them both, now, and i feel something between us, i really do. isn't that strange?
he's not a very nice person. my friend agrees. he's cruel sometimes dealing with his friends (and what kind of friend is that?), although conversely his friends are often cruel dealing with him (and what kinds of friends are they?). they live in a harsh affluent world populated by rich parents, politicians, and industry leaders. i thank the heavens i grew up poor, and that peter did, too. the rich have all the problems the rest of us have, but extra. their wealth makes all the stakes higher. their hatreds and fears and needs are cured in some kind of vinegar solution until they become more sour and more sharp, and less naive. less true. i see in this person the thing that peter could have become, if he'd had that extra burden.
you know peter had already managed to write his own story in a similar fashion. him and his friends their world of online contests and clans were just as bad. a little more laughable, people would say, for doing this thing scoffed at by the mainstream. but just as painful to me, for the duration of our relationship. in fact, thank god it was easy to laugh it all off in the end, for it was just a MUD and just online, and not my wealth, my success, the kind of car i have, the friends i have chosen and love that got put under the microscope. the latter are much harder to shrug off, when all society is leaning against you.
i have these dreams now. they will both come to me, and like cinderella, i will show them both a thousand civilities and they will cry that they do not live in my world. they will weep that their own folly punishes them. they will sorrow that they can't let go the chains that bind them to their unforgiving lives. and i will stand up free, and leave the party because i'm better than them. it will be beautiful.