Wednesday, October 18, 2000
banging your head against the wall. it feels so good when you stop. i just got off the phone with one of my old friends, who i haven't spoken to in months. you know that first tentative phone call where you're not sure if they're different people since you last talked to them, and if so how much... she's just the same. suddenly my arm's twisted so i've agreed to doing things with her that i don't want to do, because she's excellent at giving guilt trips and i'm excellent at succumbing to them. ugh. well maybe she wouldn't have to be so insecure in the first place, if she stopped guilting everyone into being friends with her.
i know, i know, i should NOT have given in. can i make it up? by going out with her and not calling her back afterwards? i think, i really do, that if it were any newer friend of mine that i would not have given in, but i and she have this unfortunately established way of relating to each other already (bully-bullied? maybe not that bad), which okay it's not worth to me to untangle.
sometimes i have qualms about whether it might really be worth it to me to repair the things between us. she does understand certain parts of me pretty well. she always has. but she lacks sadly in compassion. and that's a fine distinction, the one between understanding and compassion, but it's all-important with her. in dealing with her i've come to realize that it's better to have compassion without understanding, than understanding without compassion.