innocent bystander:
a weblog
tuesday, may 30
cu-hool, from Salon, but why doesn't it look anything like Salon? and yes, the new Salon site design notwithstanding.

--5/30/2000 11:40:32 AM

i feel awful. because i slept the day away yesterday i felt compelled to stay out till late at night. so i got to bed at 3. i woke up this morning at 8. this schedule used to work fine when all i had to do during the day was take notes in lecture... or, punch record on my tape player and conk out in the back row of good old haines hall (distance of seat backs to wall offered perfect support for the head). but alas, not any more.

some good writing and some awful drivel get sent out when the whim strikes christopher locke. i forgive him for the awful drivel... it's not for a lack of talent. he's got loads. it's really just a lack of editing, and hey, when it's your own personal newsletter i think you should feel free to drivel and drool as much as you want. i like what he paraphrased about the media in saturday's edition:

Guy Debord said it better: you can't revolt or even criticize. You can only feed the spectacle.

rock and roll... i'm a media junkie. criticism about media is published through media... i love it! locke sez:

In Sanskrit it's called samsara, the endless seamless round of birth and death, enthusiasm and frustration, hope and despair...

and he sez:

Sisyphus raised orders of magnitude. Now we have Samsara by Guerlain. They turned it into a brand of perfume. Floral, the ads say. Oriental. Feminine and romantic.

and i thought, cool, capitalism bastardizes all, but we live better for it, but wait, i'm writing in the same voice that locke is, aren't i?

crap... i've fallen into some sort of self-confessional, stream-of-consciousness, web-logging "voice," and i'm too tired to be all original and write in any other voice! this can only mean one thing: it's ready to be parodied. bring me the voice of blogging, skewered on a stick of parody! pretty please?

--5/30/2000 11:00:41 AM

thursday, may 25

oh cool! i just realized that i had a personal page on! i can use it to list the purchases i'm researching. the only thing on it so far is the nakamichi dvd-10. if anyone knows anything about how much this piece of equipment may or may not rock, please mail me.

--5/25/2000 11:01:59 AM

monday, may 22

why is it that i haven't discovered this song until now? first and last and always-- where have i been all this time?

--5/22/2000 7:47:28 PM

friday, may 19

ahhh, all week and i couldn't get to you, my blog, my little sweetmeat (moorcock reference there)! but now i'm here and i have found wondrous new things, by virtue of slashdot:

the first is stinkymeat, which is the 18-day saga of a plate of rotting flesh. thaaaat's right. several people at my work now know about this, as i've become quite the stinkymeat evangelist. i showed it to my sister and we agreed: it was nearly enough to turn us vegetarian.

nearly, but not enough. there is a joke we have: if the fat is the best part of a steak, why not dispense with the steak and get straight to the fat? why not, in fact, take fat trimmings off of cooked steaks, and puree them? it would be like sauce, and we all know sauce is good! it would be like... fat sauce!

mmm, fat sauce.

also from slashdot: explodingdog, where the owner is illustrating titles submitted by users. several seem to go up each day. i like the drawings, they're cuuute! this one is for peter.

wow, the things you learn, in slashdot polls. most voting slashdotters own hundreds of cds. i lag behind at about 90. voting slashdotters like /* ... */ comments the best, and // ... comments next best. i voted for //, personally. 48% of voting slashdotters sleep six to eight hours. me too, except for the days i sleep five. only 25% of the voters sleep five. a hardy four percent run on l337 sleep... that's hardcore! finally, one voting slashdotter seems only to get k4v3 sleep.

--5/19/2000 10:34:55 PM

monday, may 15

found this today: one of those revolutionary thingy-making type of places.

alicia witt was on ally mcbeal today. i remember her from dune. back then she moved her mouth in the same way when she spoke. funny, because she must have been, like, six. i mean she talks like she has an underbite.

--5/15/2000 10:47:23 PM

what an awesome word! coup d'oeil-- check it out at the bottom.

--5/15/2000 5:42:59 PM

saturday, may 13

ok, so the first time i wrote this entry i wrote all this brilliant stuff, but i took too long doing it and blogger timed out on me and i lost all the pretty words....

so there are these posters plastered on walls around l.a. for a while there were lots of them. now there are fewer and they are getting old, but i've always liked the stark, mysterious look of them, with nothing but a supremely menacing face and the word "OBEY". or, sometimes, "GIANT 6'4" 520 LBS". who was it about? what was it about? now i finally know.

how much cooler could things be? the posters were made by people who are fully into the communist propaganda poster look. i have a soft spot in my heart for communism... in college, i majored in sociology.

a funny thing about communist propaganda. one famous piece is this image of che guevara. why is it that no one besides me has noticed that taco bell (well, chiat/day, really) copped the image for its "viva gorditas" campaign? if you don't believe me, check this out.

--5/13/2000 4:04:12 PM

OK, time to pander to the people at blogger, because i want in on their directory. need to add stuff to this page...

nothingradio has much music to be cool by.

--5/13/2000 12:35:48 PM

thursday, may 11

porn is going to be the next big thing. swear to god. it's going to be big like disco, khakis, and drawstring pants were. the feminists won't like it (i'm not sure i like it), but like with twin-set sweaters, no one will listen.

--5/11/2000 9:50:53 PM

you know, for all the vaunted qualities of this new economy, i feel that on a basic level computer workers are like lacemakers... hands gnarled from hours of work at the keyboard and mouse, and slowly-slowly going blind.

vermeer may paint my portrait now.

radio show this morning was interviewing someone from that movie. you know, that sci-fi movie that's coming out. i'm not going to say its name, because then you-know-who would track me down. you know... the one with the grease guy in it. no way am i going to see that movie, nuh uh. and i give all my pity in advance to the poor dumb bastards that go, and use their credit cards to buy the tickets. *cackle*

--5/11/2000 10:14:00 AM

wednesday, may 10

thank you peter heckman of das ist webloggen, who was kind enough to link to me. he has nice drawings and, recently and inexplicably, changed his background color from green to white.

several men with their headlights on at work today. disturbing.

--5/10/2000 7:56:33 PM

monday, may 8

got back to the apartment well past nine tonight. saw an old classmate at the supermarket and stopped to network, then upon entering the apartment boiled a hot dog and ate it while reading a little from each of two books: one about software development and the other about the internet. called two friends, neither of whom were in. realized that i must go to sleep now if i am to get to work early, eight a.m., like i want to... and wondered, so this is my life? is this what it is to be? eat, drink, and think this job that i hate? live and breathe this thing i can barely bring myself to believe in? this is it?

what happened to the part of me that dreamed? i envy the pillow your head rests and slumbers... i saw a toy apple and it tore at my heart... i am too sensitive.

should i buy it? would that be good or bad?

--5/8/2000 11:07:10 PM

Ha, ha

5/8/2000... still hating my job.

--5/8/2000 3:35:44 PM

saturday, may 6

just got back from seeing gladiator. i thought it was a good movie; my companion did not. among other things she didn't understand who had hurt whom when maximus and lucilla broke up. lucilla said that they had hurt each other equally. i understand this now. we only get the relationships we can handle, and until the day comes that we can handle a true and full relationship we are compelled to cleave and then fall apart, wounding all involved. that's just the way it is.

i thought it was a good story. everyone acted very well. russell crowe was a pleasure to watch as always, and better yet when chained to the wall. oh, did i say that out loud?

he was such a moral person. all the good guys in that film were. nice thing about ridley scott, despite his objectors. he's into morality. not the brassy tricksterism and hucksterism that galled me from the '80s straight on in through most of the '90s... that, like ferris bueller and many many others, you could do right through a trick, a feint, a wink. that the low commitment of a bit of finessing could feasibly take the place of brute perseverance. perseverance is the true key. perseverance is hard.

so... what else to say? work is terrible as usual, and i begin to wonder if it is not worth it for me to be in this prickly place when my strength is already being sapped by a breakup. but wouldn't uprooting for another job be just as bad? and there is some slight possibility i could turn the situation around, although it wouldn't have been all that high if i were completely well anyway, and i wonder if i should stay to just at least see if i can. i don't know whether i should stay. i don't know.

i remembered during the movie how i was supposed to see that with peter. hated him for a second, because he would have never understood what the movie meant to me (as if he ever understood what sandman meant; what trent meant to me). but only for a second.

one last thing: the movie was stunningly beautiful. with a beauty that jumps up and smacks you in the face, so visually poignant. that's all. beautiful.

--5/6/2000 2:26:39 AM

friday, may 5

i love you

i hate you

i hope someday not to care.

all the world has closed her eyes
tired faith all worn and thin
for all we could have done
and all that could have been

ah, trent -- and i'm going to get wierd here, but this is my blog, dammit -- sanctify this moment as you did all the others. somehow you always did find a way to understand. and in the end that was what i really wanted all along. understanding. and all the things i deserved along with it. what i would do to have just one drop. would have once, anyway. i know now that i must fight for much more, because that is what i owe myself, but in dark days like these it is so hard to take the long view.

--5/5/2000 4:42:12 PM

wednesday, may 3

why did i let your apartment start to feel like home, why do i remember so many things, all the good times i had? and now everyone tells me that i shouldn't get back together with you, and i know it too, but i want to.

--5/3/2000 11:02:14 PM

becky said something so true tonight. love doesn't mean forever, and love doesn't mean marriage. this was because i was having a problem... understanding why this world allows a person to fall in love when it is not possible to live happily ever after with their love. i just don't understand why.

it's just not fair, just not fair not fair not

not fair

--5/3/2000 10:50:37 PM

tuesday, may 2

where does it happen that people lose sight of what they do best? i wonder. i think i almost forgot, myself. my one best thing is my writing. everyone's got their one best thing.

hey peter... i'm still talking about you. i saw your posts on the mud. hate you. noticed some things around my apartment that you'd bought for me. hate you. noticed that the socks i've been wearing to sleep are yours. hate you. gonna give them back to you.

pretty boring huh? a blog about a breakup. bet you don't see that every day.

what was i going to say? perhaps that i want solace, i want

press me down
into the arms of the god
into the soft earth
and protect

would you understand my poems? would you understand my strength turned despair, or perhaps the other way around, that i shouldered so long that when i lost it i wasn't sure if i was becoming whole, or broken apart... would you, i wonder. i thought that if only i loved you enough, you would be a good boyfriend. i know it doesn't work that way. but a lot of times i just have to see things fail, before i believe.

--5/2/2000 12:03:13 AM

monday, may 1

driving up sepulveda all the way until the Valley unfolds like secret jewels spilled
my foot dead on the gas, not even bothering to push my faithful car to do better
so long as it moves me

as long as the road hums and all is dark,
all is right

--5/1/2000 11:53:33 PM

i miss you. why couldn't you have been a better person?

--5/1/2000 1:59:55 AM

peter i am so sad. you had the least hope and the least courage. and things could have been so good, if only, and if only...

i keep feeling betrayed. i keep thinking that we don't even know each other that well. what are your dreams, your hopes? your fears? you kept all these from me. you gave me material things; i wasn't a person, i was a thing to be plied with money and courtesy and mindless obeisance, and absolutely, at all costs, not to be allowed to wander away.

and guess what i did.

but long before that most of the things that were really me had exited the relationship. they knew what the deal was. i don't know where they stayed while they were gone; what sort of mental hotel they had. i hope they had a relaxing vacation... i hope they were well taken care of. i was afraid i wouldn't be able to lure them back. what a lie it was when you said you would wait while i found myself again; when you said you wanted me to be the person you'd fallen in love with again. you couldn't even stand the first, single step i took back to the real me. the moment you saw it, you were out the door, goading me to break up with you, and what did i do?

how could you be surprised that i did it?

you can't keep denying that actions have consequences. that you can't keep acting out your neediness and insecurity without consequence. keep living in your hell where your friends only associate with you out of fear, convenience, or pity. see if you can keep any friend honestly; you sure couldn't keep me.

--5/1/2000 1:37:09 AM

here we go... seamus heaney says that there is no such thing as innocent bystanding

this is absolutely true.

--5/1/2000 1:00:10 AM

Powered by Blogger

zu heim