innocent bystander //a weblog

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Saturday, May 06, 2000

2:26 AM: 

just got back from seeing gladiator. i thought it was a good movie; my companion did not. among other things she didn't understand who had hurt whom when maximus and lucilla broke up. lucilla said that they had hurt each other equally. i understand this now. we only get the relationships we can handle, and until the day comes that we can handle a true and full relationship we are compelled to cleave and then fall apart, wounding all involved. that's just the way it is.

i thought it was a good story. everyone acted very well. russell crowe was a pleasure to watch as always, and better yet when chained to the wall. oh, did i say that out loud?

he was such a moral person. all the good guys in that film were. nice thing about ridley scott, despite his objectors. he's into morality. not the brassy tricksterism and hucksterism that galled me from the '80s straight on in through most of the '90s... that, like ferris bueller and many many others, you could do right through a trick, a feint, a wink. that the low commitment of a bit of finessing could feasibly take the place of brute perseverance. perseverance is the true key. perseverance is hard.

so... what else to say? work is terrible as usual, and i begin to wonder if it is not worth it for me to be in this prickly place when my strength is already being sapped by a breakup. but wouldn't uprooting for another job be just as bad? and there is some slight possibility i could turn the situation around, although it wouldn't have been all that high if i were completely well anyway, and i wonder if i should stay to just at least see if i can. i don't know whether i should stay. i don't know.

i remembered during the movie how i was supposed to see that with peter. hated him for a second, because he would have never understood what the movie meant to me (as if he ever understood what sandman meant; what trent meant to me). but only for a second.

one last thing: the movie was stunningly beautiful. with a beauty that jumps up and smacks you in the face, so visually poignant. that's all. beautiful.

Friday, May 05, 2000

4:42 PM: 

i love you

i hate you

i hope someday not to care.

all the world has closed her eyes
tired faith all worn and thin
for all we could have done
and all that could have been

ah, trent -- and i'm going to get wierd here, but this is my blog, dammit -- sanctify this moment as you did all the others. somehow you always did find a way to understand. and in the end that was what i really wanted all along. understanding. and all the things i deserved along with it. what i would do to have just one drop. would have once, anyway. i know now that i must fight for much more, because that is what i owe myself, but in dark days like these it is so hard to take the long view.

Wednesday, May 03, 2000

11:02 PM: 

why did i let your apartment start to feel like home, why do i remember so many things, all the good times i had? and now everyone tells me that i shouldn't get back together with you, and i know it too, but i want to.

10:50 PM: 

becky said something so true tonight. love doesn't mean forever, and love doesn't mean marriage. this was because i was having a problem... understanding why this world allows a person to fall in love when it is not possible to live happily ever after with their love. i just don't understand why.

it's just not fair, just not fair not fair not

not fair

Tuesday, May 02, 2000

12:03 AM: 

where does it happen that people lose sight of what they do best? i wonder. i think i almost forgot, myself. my one best thing is my writing. everyone's got their one best thing.

hey peter... i'm still talking about you. i saw your posts on the mud. hate you. noticed some things around my apartment that you'd bought for me. hate you. noticed that the socks i've been wearing to sleep are yours. hate you. gonna give them back to you.

pretty boring huh? a blog about a breakup. bet you don't see that every day.

what was i going to say? perhaps that i want solace, i want

press me down
into the arms of the god
into the soft earth
and protect

would you understand my poems? would you understand my strength turned despair, or perhaps the other way around, that i shouldered so long that when i lost it i wasn't sure if i was becoming whole, or broken apart... would you, i wonder. i thought that if only i loved you enough, you would be a good boyfriend. i know it doesn't work that way. but a lot of times i just have to see things fail, before i believe.

Monday, May 01, 2000

11:53 PM: 

driving up sepulveda all the way until the Valley unfolds like secret jewels spilled
my foot dead on the gas, not even bothering to push my faithful car to do better
so long as it moves me

as long as the road hums and all is dark,
all is right

1:59 AM: 

i miss you. why couldn't you have been a better person?

1:37 AM: 

peter i am so sad. you had the least hope and the least courage. and things could have been so good, if only, and if only...

i keep feeling betrayed. i keep thinking that we don't even know each other that well. what are your dreams, your hopes? your fears? you kept all these from me. you gave me material things; i wasn't a person, i was a thing to be plied with money and courtesy and mindless obeisance, and absolutely, at all costs, not to be allowed to wander away.

and guess what i did.

but long before that most of the things that were really me had exited the relationship. they knew what the deal was. i don't know where they stayed while they were gone; what sort of mental hotel they had. i hope they had a relaxing vacation... i hope they were well taken care of. i was afraid i wouldn't be able to lure them back. what a lie it was when you said you would wait while i found myself again; when you said you wanted me to be the person you'd fallen in love with again. you couldn't even stand the first, single step i took back to the real me. the moment you saw it, you were out the door, goading me to break up with you, and what did i do?

how could you be surprised that i did it?

you can't keep denying that actions have consequences. that you can't keep acting out your neediness and insecurity without consequence. keep living in your hell where your friends only associate with you out of fear, convenience, or pity. see if you can keep any friend honestly; you sure couldn't keep me.

1:00 AM: 

here we go... seamus heaney says that there is no such thing as innocent bystanding

this is absolutely true.


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